No longer Buzzed

I apologize for such a delay in posting. It is my solemn vow to all ADHD PHD followers that I will try to post at least once a month and hopefully more.  I was very caught up with this idea that I should be writing my dissertation instead and writing anything else.  However, I have learned if I don't have an outlet for my other crazy thoughts and ideas outside of work and school, then I don't make much progress on my dissertation either.

Second, I have learned that I don't necessarily have to have every single freaking post about ADHD or my PHD, it can just be about the funny or interesting things I encounter on a daily basis. 

Today, I just wanted to say an ode to caffeine, or sing an ode, or ode something to caffeine.  I gave up caffeine, again, one week ago today.  I am trying VERY hard to do this and stick with it and boy it is hard.  Not all the time, but some days it just hits me more that I really relied on that buzz to keep me calm and focused.  I noticed that is one of my coping skills with dealing with ADHD.  I realize that all you ADHD band wagoners are going to yell "oh christina, we all love it, that buzz, that crazy focus i get from my morning cup of joe, its not just cuz you have ADHD". well here is news for you.  Taking away my caffeine I have realized may be very similar to what you "normal" people experience, only a bit amplified.  IT feels like I broke my leg and no one will give me my crutches back, and to top it off I can't even find the damn crutches because my mind is in 50 different directions. I think the key difference is for me caffeine is not a buzz, its a calming feeling like the world is simpler, its one task, its one idea.  Now, without the coffee, diet-Pepsi, i am a jittery, fidgety, anxious mess.

Last Sunday was my first attempt at writing my dissertation without it and it took one hour to sit still and finally i made a little progress.  It was pure torture.  I have to say everything in moderation is a great thing and I know I could just break and have the damn cup of coffee, but I am really trying for my health to stick it out and do this.  I know I'll come up with new mechanisms to cope and if it doesn't work out I'll go back to my cup a day just to start my day off right and focused.

My Izzy Enjoying her Cup of Calm

Does anyone else handle coffee this way? or tried to give it up? Thanks for reading, if you even paid attention this long.

Weight of the Books and the Semester Approaching

The dreaded yet much anticipated last semester of coursework for my Ph.D. is looming on my calendar.....within two weeks time I will be immersed in books that make no sense that take me much time to read all while wondering "why the hell did I do this to myself".  After buying my final notebook and folders, and after the box from Amazon arrived I was happy, sad, scared all at once.  I think for anyone this would be almost a rite of passage, for me, it scares the hell out of me.  It's as though I have been putting on an act during all of my schooling. Trying to prove to people that I could do it and that I wasn't too stupid to go to this school or that program and that I deserved to be here just like anyone else.  I think confidence in any student is something that is grappled with before a big test, right before you print a final draft of a paper and in the end you still question why you started the journey and what you have learned. For me, I am in survival mode and my last thought is will I take the quals this fall or delay to spring and the deeper question is at this point after all that work, "Why do I still question my ability to handle it all?".  I want to be the risk taker who just says, "yes, I can do this" but I have this lingering belief that although I want to just get it done and move forward that I'll fail or that I wont' be able to sit still long enough to get the studying I need to do done. And deeper than that, am I making more out of it than needs to be, am I pushing myself needlessly for one set of exams that truly tests the knowledge that should be part of my daily work? If only years of schooling  really provided you with the confidence and the insight that in the end everything will be alright, and beyond that you still will be that little distracted girl who just wants to bounce around helping people and not fitting the mold of a true academic.

the blog may not make sense to any who read it, for me it was my distracted attempt to figure out what I really want to do NOW.

I have ADD, No, I do, No, Pick me. No really I HAVE ADHD

Many times I sit in a lecture hall, a class discussion or even a conference much like today and someone makes a comment "Ya know, I bet I have ADHD, I just sit here and fidget" or

"Ya know, I just learn different and I sometimes can't finish a page in my book, or I just can't pay attention in class". My response: THATS NORMAL! . What you are doing is what us ADHD folks call, blame weaving. Well, at least that's what I call it for now. Truly, think about having a moment where you forget your keys or drive back home to check to make sure you locked a door, does that make you a obsessed person who has OCD and should be a member of the "Obsessed" TV show cast? No! Do you sometimes find yourself hoarding little kitty cat knick knacks wondering when you'll stop, do you consider yourself a "hoarder" cast member? NO. So, why in the world when a non-ADHDer gets the idea in there head that they happen to be distracting in by far the most boring lecture (insert boring item here) possible do they believe they should be diagnosed and placed on ritalin? I'll tell you why! Because having ADHD is cool. Well, not so much.

What they should sit back and realize is that if this one lapse in concentration were multiplied by a 10000 and impacted every area of their lives then, my dear ADHD wanna be, you may be one of the chosen ones.

Regardless, I am glad so many want to join my mob of ADHD folk, it makes it nice to have company, so pack your bags and your ritalin because this is going to be one bumpy, distracted ride. Thought this might be some thoughts for as long as you can sit still enough to read.

Peace, Love and resisting the urge to strike every person who thinks they have ADHD,

Flip

Reading while Farming

Many times an ADHD individual may think they have the ability to have super human powers and read while doing multiple things at once. For example, my goal for the week was to read one chapter of a required book each day during lunch. However, I did not account for the fact that this would be cutting into my farming time. Alas, I am only through 2 pages however, crops are flourishing in virtual farm land. I think a key thing to learn from this is. One thing at a time, especially when reading a required book is most important. Even if I had devoted the 1st half hour to farming and the 2nd half hour to reading, I would be farther along than I am at this point.

Some points to ponder, if you can concentrate long enough.